Apocalypse beauty tips

Let’s say the world as we know it is over. We no longer have our Maseratis, beach condos and yachts and we’re living the life of a piranha. One day you’re chilling with your man and he pisses you off, so you behead him with a machete and cook him for dinner. You were comfortable and secure since you had a partner by your side, so looks weren’t a priority. Now you’re single and ready to mingle, but instead of looking like the perfect girl, you look like Chewbacca. How’s a girl gonna get her swerve back on?

Something they definitely don’t talk about in post apocalyptic books is how to keep your looks once that world-ending catastrophic event hits. We all know that when we look good, we feel good. But with very few tools and little to no luxuries, how can someone make the most of their natural assets?

Let’s start with our crowning glory—there’ll be no flatirons, blow dryers or styling aids. If you’re not down to chop it all off, I suggest stockpiling baby powder for a little double duty as dry shampoo and deodorizer. Obviously, you’ll jump in any non-radioactive body of water you find, and learn how to finger style your hair. You can work the Heidi look with some cute, funky braids—guys loves them. After a few days, when you’re ready for a new look, take them out and get your afro on—the smaller the braids, the tighter the waves. When it needs conditioning, throw whatever oil you can get your hands on or egg whites if there is a surplus.

Skincare—you won’t be winning any post-apocalyptic pageants when you smell like poo and are covered in acne. You’re going to have to get real old school and make your own soap. They made soap back in Babylon, so it’s got to be easy to do. The Celts made soap from animal fat, ash and plant stuff, and the Romans used olive oil. The next time you slaughter your dinner, make sure to boil off some of the fat, mix it with ash from the fire, throw any herbs you can get your hands on for little scent and you’re good to go. For moisturizer, mix a little water with animal lard from your beastly meal, apply it to your face at night and your skin will be smooth as a baby’s bum by morning.

Makeup—Minimal is really the way to go, but if you need a little glamour in the post-apocalypse world, there are a few things you can do to maximize your natural beauty. Get your Cleopatra on with a little charcoal mixed with candle wax (or beeswax if that’s all you can find) for makeshift eyeliner. If you’re near an ocean, search for a jellyfish. Their venom makes a great lip plumper.

Nails—I hate to break it to you, but you’ll have to cut those babies all the way down. If you’re lucky, you’ll have a pair of clippers and a nail file. It’s not even remotely realistic to think that we can have have pretty nails—moderately well-kempt is the best we can hope for. You never hear about humans fighting off zombies with talon-like gel nails.

Bottom line—If you ever find yourself on a solo mission post-apocalypse, let’s hope you’ve got a really great personality and a nice smile.

Fully Infected—My Zombie Makeover

Long before the days of The Walking Dead, I went through a hardcore transformation—a legit zombie makeover that spanned several weeks. Repulsive, jagged fangs and eerie glow-in-the-dark contacts coupled with blood-drenched hair and chunky prosthetic guts that took hours to remove. There’s nothing else like it.

It was funny to see my friends squirm when they first saw me—even my boyfriend couldn’t look me in the eye. I wondered if he’d get past it once I scoured the zombie-ness off. Was he traumatized by coming face to face with my hideous inner demon? Would he be plagued with nightmares of me dismembering him in his sleep? Whatever—he was going to have to suck it up. People who came to visit the set of The Convent could barely look at me during meals. Was it the blood caked onto my eyelashes that obliterated their appetite? Or did the fake guts dripping onto my chicken Shawarma nauseate them? I’ll tell you this—my gory appearance never stopped me from inhaling an ahi sandwich or drinking a chocolate milkshake. Being a zombie requires proper nutrition.

Transforming into a member of the undead is, bar none, an unparalleled experience. For me, it started with a torrential blood shower lasting so long that red corn syrup was embedded in my skin and my highlights turned pink for a couple of weeks. Getting showered with 500 gallons of recycled fake blood over and over again for the duration of 10 hours really puts you in a zombie state of mind.

Once my bloody death shower was over, it was time for the metamorphosis to begin. I sat in my throne of zombie genesis and waxed nostalgic about the days when my skin wasn’t inflamed from having prosthetic guts glued on and ripped off daily. Then randoms with dirty little fingers stuffed blinding, fluorescent contacts into my virgin eyes—is that what they call eyes that have never seen the likes of contacts?—and I was airbrushed with ghastly white skin and ugly blue veins.

I was now fully infected.

Once my zombie makeover was complete, the stunts began. Breaking through doors and tearing fake heads off bodies is awesome and intoxicating. A truly natural high. Growling and lunging at other actors was weird at first, but then some predilection took over and my inner zombie fully unleashed itself. I clawed my beautiful friend’s face off—no problem—and viciously shredded and devoured a hot boy’s abs. I split open the head of a close friend’s husband with a baseball bat, just months after serving as a bridesmaid in his wedding, and savagely brutalized anyone else who got in my way.

In reality, this metamorphosis was extremely cathartic and felt a lot more natural than it probably should have. It was an opportunity to be raw, primal and just a little bit cannibalistic. I could purge every shred of anger and stress and strip almost everything human from my conscience. It was pure and exhilarating, and at the same time, fully exhausting.

I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Hand-to-hand combat skills—a must for post-apocalypse b*tches

When the inevitable zombie apocalypse occurs, we’re going to need a lot more than some cans of pepper spray to defend ourselves. By now, you know that if a horde of flesh-hungry zombies is on your jock, you’ve gotta fire straight into their skull. But what if you’re running low on ammunition or your firearm jams? Or if the sound of your gun will attract more undead in your direction?

Even if you’re packing heat when the zombie takeover occurs, chances are there’ll be times that you’re going to have to go mano y mano with these brain-craving bastards. If you haven’t already started, it’s time to master the most harrowing battle style of all: hand-to-hand combat. While the odds are not really in your favor, with a little training, some fierce stamina and superhuman strength, you may be able to flip the script on that rotting corpse in your face. Here are a few tips for improving your chances when you get up close and personal with a member of the undead.

Choose a badass weapon. The goal here is to incur massive head trauma or decapitation old school style—you must get the brains. The problem with kitchen knives or any blades that cut smoothly is that they can easily get stuck in the zombie’s rotting flesh. You want something that chops, like an axe, tomahawk or a Samurai Sword. Another good option is something with horsepower, like a chainsaw.

Be resourceful. Shovels, wrenches, hockey sticks, golf clubs and fire extinguishers are all excellent weapon choices when battling a zombie close range. If you’re really desperate, try bashing their brains in with a large can of food, or if there are any blunt objects lying around, force one straight through their forehead. The ideal makeshift weapon is an aluminum baseball bat—it’s sturdy, durable and makes a very satisfying noise when you a bash a zombie’s head in.

Avoid Hair Pulling. As hot as cat fights can get, attempting to pull a zombie’s hair will do little for your cause. We typically pull hair to cause pain, and since the undead feel none, it’s a pointless move. In addition, zombies are in a state of decay, so the most damage you’ll do is grab a handful of decomposing scalp. Skip the girly hair pull and go for a more drastic maneuver.

Get your mind right. While the natural reaction is to panic, you must instead focus on the task at hand and eliminate all fear from your mind—otherwise, you’re doomed. Try what the military calls “Tactical breathing.” Simply inhale through your nose for three seconds, hold your breath for another three, and then exhale for three. Controlled breathing calms your nerves and muscles, while decreasing your heart rate so you can face off from a place of zen.

Be prepared for the rot. Your first encounter with a walking, rotting cadaver will be one you never forget. Their disgusting stench, ghoulish appearance and the vile noises they make increases the upchuck factor tenfold. Whatever you do, do not let their appearance freak you out. Focus instead on the offensive and defensive strikes that you’re about to deliver.

Master some sick moves. Now is the time to get into optimal shape, build your stamina, and master the kind of killer techniques taught in martial arts and self-defense systems like Krav Maga. In the meantime, here are some basic moves that are easy to learn and can buy you enough time to escape with your brains intact.

1. Basic a$s kicking. If a zombie bum rushes you, simply lift your leg, with knees bent, and kick it in the ribs. If you’ve had some kickboxing training, now is a great time to employ the old Round House. If you can make it high enough, a solid kick to the jaw will stun the zombie and give you time to bust out the two in that one-two combination.

2. The Sweep and Stomp. If a zombie corners you, take advantage of his unwieldiness and lack of coordination. Grab it by the neck, hook one of your legs behind its opposite leg, and sweep your leg against its calf while slamming its neck, forcing its weight backward. Once the rotting one is on the ground, stomp on its skull forcefully. Hopefully, you’re rocking some sweet combat boots in anticipation of this very moment.

3. Swipe and Strike. This is a great move for stunning the undead so you can make your escape. Step back, raise your hands, and strike the zombie in the nose with the palm of your hand, turning your hips into the blow for added force.

Does anyone else have any tips to share?

The art of annihilating zombies

With the rising use of bath salts and the imminent threat of a zombie apocalypse, it’s time to get a strategy in place to eliminate undead riff raff, even if it’s a former friend, family member or co-worker. There’s no doubt about it, putting these nasty brain-suckers out of their misery is the right thing to do, and the only way to ensure your own survival.

The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, most likely because they’re already dead. To thoroughly annihilate a zombie, you’ve got to do some serious damage to the brain. While it’s fine to be creative with your technique, the most important thing is accuracy. You may only have one chance to get the job done.

Successfully killing one of these undead dudes requires solid planning, as well as preparation for unexpected obstacles. While the cliché methodology we see in movies is interesting enough and makes some sense, few people have actually met a zombie, so we have to plan beyond common speculation.  Until you meet someone who has survived an apocalypse, it’s best to prepare yourself for anything and everything.

While movies and television shows portray the undead as slow, uncoordinated creatures, who knows if they really can be outrun? In addition to getting that booty in the best shape possible, you’ll want to buy premier running shoes and every type of acceleration device known to man. Even if these guys are slow, getting cornered in a confined space with a bunch of them could be fatal. If you want to hang onto your brains, make sure you’re always strapped and carry a variety of knives to wield at close range. If they do get all space invader on you, a knife through the brain is probably your best bet.

The most surefire route to destroying zombies is decapitation. Lopping off that ugly mug with a chainsaw, samurai sword or, my personal favorite, a machete, is your best bet. Just be sure to follow-through completely—you can’t trust whatever’s left hanging. If you do have to go the chainsaw route, make sure to clean up immediately, as the aftermath of zombie flesh may attract more in your direction.

The easiest way to fend off the undead is with a little unfriendly gunfire. If you do have time to shoot, make sure to aim directly for their forehead. Don’t waste valuable ammo by shooting these creatures in the leg or arms. If there is an apocalypse, ammo is bound to be scarce, so save it for the right shot. With that in mind, start practicing at a shooting range now to learn gun safety and hone your skills. The last thing you want to do is waste your bullets or bust a cap on some poor human.

If for some reason, you have no ammo left and you’re forced to engage in a little hand-to-hand combat with a member of the undead, it’s good to have martial arts and knife-wielding skills. It’s also helpful to have a crow bar handy. Due to its versatility and sturdiness, the crow bar is an ideal zombie weapon—using both hands, you can easily bludgeon one straight through the cranium to destroy its brain. A baseball bat is even better, but a little unwieldy to carry around and not the greatest fashion statement.

Last, but not least, you can always light the undead on fire. If you douse a zombie with gasoline and hurl a Molotov cocktail at it, the heat will incinerate their brain and they’ll no longer be a problem.

The bottom line is, if we want to survive a zombie apocalypse, we need to be on point at all times—one slip up and you, too, could be reduced to a grunting, brain-craving beast limping down the road in a zombie-style crip walk. Not fun and not attractive.

Bath salts, bible beaters & naked zombies

Signs of the apocalypse or the next drug epidemic?

Here we go again—yet another naked zombie attack in Florida. This time, the cannibal action happened in St. Augustine. The scary thing is, it barely made headlines, unlike the first reported zombie attack that took place in May when bible thumping Rudy Eugene, aka “the Causeway Cannibal,” chewed off the face of an elderly homeless man on the MacArthur Causeway.

The violent rampages are becoming so common that they’re no longer making national news.

Early Saturday morning, police responded to a call that a man had trashed a family’s patio furniture and was raising hell on their roof—butt naked. When the homeowner and his son tried to restrain 22-year-old Jeremiah Haughee, he escaped their grasp and ran inside their house. Once inside, Haughee went full demonic on them, peeing on the floor before taking a huge bite out of the homeowner’s stomach, resulting in a severe, permanently disfiguring injury.

Once the police arrived, it took five of them to restrain the naked cannibal—ewww, who would want to even touch his urine-covered a&%. Despite being handcuffed, shackled and tasered multiple times, Haughee continued to put up a fight, biting a police officer’s leg and subsequently getting a hood thrown over his head. The man was finally knocked out when the police shot him up with a tranquilizer.

The reports and bizarre sightings are increasing exponentially, and the world is taking notice. What is giving these creatures the license to unleash their inner zombie? Is it bath salts or some other strength-enhancing hallucinogen? Or is it truly the advent of a zombie epidemic? This latest cannibalistic attack brings to light some qualities that all the culprits seem to share:

Superhuman strength and stamina
A propensity for nudity
An uncontrollable hankering for flesh
A lack of respect for authority

As the violent rampages by man-eating strippers multiply in number, we’ve got to wonder, are the apocalyptic predictions coming true or is this just a case of self-fulfilling prophecy? Are we facing another drug epidemic like the surge of crack cocaine during the 80s, but with more brutally violent side effects? Time will tell, but in the meantime, I’m stockpiling my safe house with Twinkies, grenade launchers and submachine uzis.