The art of annihilating zombies
17 Aug 2012
With the rising use of bath salts and the imminent threat of a zombie apocalypse, it’s time to get a strategy in place to eliminate undead riff raff, even if it’s a former friend, family member or co-worker. There’s no doubt about it, putting these nasty brain-suckers out of their misery is the right thing to do, and the only way to ensure your own survival.
The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, most likely because they’re already dead. To thoroughly annihilate a zombie, you’ve got to do some serious damage to the brain. While it’s fine to be creative with your technique, the most important thing is accuracy. You may only have one chance to get the job done.
Successfully killing one of these undead dudes requires solid planning, as well as preparation for unexpected obstacles. While the cliché methodology we see in movies is interesting enough and makes some sense, few people have actually met a zombie, so we have to plan beyond common speculation. Until you meet someone who has survived an apocalypse, it’s best to prepare yourself for anything and everything.
While movies and television shows portray the undead as slow, uncoordinated creatures, who knows if they really can be outrun? In addition to getting that booty in the best shape possible, you’ll want to buy premier running shoes and every type of acceleration device known to man. Even if these guys are slow, getting cornered in a confined space with a bunch of them could be fatal. If you want to hang onto your brains, make sure you’re always strapped and carry a variety of knives to wield at close range. If they do get all space invader on you, a knife through the brain is probably your best bet.
The most surefire route to destroying zombies is decapitation. Lopping off that ugly mug with a chainsaw, samurai sword or, my personal favorite, a machete, is your best bet. Just be sure to follow-through completely—you can’t trust whatever’s left hanging. If you do have to go the chainsaw route, make sure to clean up immediately, as the aftermath of zombie flesh may attract more in your direction.
The easiest way to fend off the undead is with a little unfriendly gunfire. If you do have time to shoot, make sure to aim directly for their forehead. Don’t waste valuable ammo by shooting these creatures in the leg or arms. If there is an apocalypse, ammo is bound to be scarce, so save it for the right shot. With that in mind, start practicing at a shooting range now to learn gun safety and hone your skills. The last thing you want to do is waste your bullets or bust a cap on some poor human.
If for some reason, you have no ammo left and you’re forced to engage in a little hand-to-hand combat with a member of the undead, it’s good to have martial arts and knife-wielding skills. It’s also helpful to have a crow bar handy. Due to its versatility and sturdiness, the crow bar is an ideal zombie weapon—using both hands, you can easily bludgeon one straight through the cranium to destroy its brain. A baseball bat is even better, but a little unwieldy to carry around and not the greatest fashion statement.
Last, but not least, you can always light the undead on fire. If you douse a zombie with gasoline and hurl a Molotov cocktail at it, the heat will incinerate their brain and they’ll no longer be a problem.
The bottom line is, if we want to survive a zombie apocalypse, we need to be on point at all times—one slip up and you, too, could be reduced to a grunting, brain-craving beast limping down the road in a zombie-style crip walk. Not fun and not attractive.
